Posts Tagged ‘fears’
{ August 7, 2008 @ 7:02 am }
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{ Uncategorized }
{ Tags: anxious, fears, fetus, flowers, frustration, marriage, OB, sonogram, spotting, ultrasound, wedding, wedding dress }
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AARGH!!!!! I’m so frustrated I’ve got the beginnings of a migraine. I was in the dressing room of Dress Barn yesterday afternoon trying to find a dress to wear to my own wedding. I was coming from work, so I had brought along a pair of ‘power panties’ to change into while trying on dresses. When I changed my underwear I couldn’t believe my eyes-the unmistakable faint brown spot was there again. It was just a tiny bit, but needless to say I was NOT happy.
I called the OB office from the dressing room and spoke to Cindy Lee, who is by far the nicest, most compassionate nurse at the office. She’s got a way about her that regardless of the situation, I feel better for talking to her. I asked her if it was too much to hope for getting an rx for the flagyl again although I did tell her of course if I had to be seen I’d make room in my schedule for it. Well, not only do I have to be seen, I’m having another sonogram this morning as well. At least my appointment is at 8:30, so I don’t have to wait too long. I’ve only had a tiny bit more spotting, and there’s not been any pain except for a twinge near my right ovary yesterday. I’ve also not had a bowel movement yet since the spotting began.
On the wedding front, the rings came in the mail on Tuesday (We ordered matching titanium rings from ebay!!) and they’re amazing. Coz has his outfit, and I did find a very pretty dress at Fashion Bug yesterday. It’s a sleeveless empire waist dress with two layers, the top layer being rather sheer and white with pale turquoise and yellow stripes. It’s VERY pretty. My mom had asked me if I was going to wear a flower in my hair, and I think I may instead of trying to come up with something fancy. I’m going to stop at the florist after the doctor’s appointment to take a look at their lillies.
Jesse, my wonderful amazing son, helped me pick out the wedding dress. He feels gypped because we’re not doing a traditional ceremony with ring bears and flower girls and attendants and all that, although I think I’ll have him stand up with me during the ceremony. My mom has planned a small reception at her house afterwards, just immediate family. Meatballs and sausage on rolls, caesar salad, and hash brown casserole. Shaun and Erica (my brother and his fiance) are making a wedding cake. If I have the time I may pick up a cake knife/server and bead the handles. Coz doesn’t want anything sentimental per se, but I NEVER thought I’d get married again, let alone want to have someone’s baby, and there’s not really going to be anything in the way of souveniers and damnit, it’s still a wedding, MY wedding, and I want something tangible to remember it by.
I’m trying to get rid of this start to a migraine with extra strength tylenol (the most I can take) and caffiene; it worked once before but I had to have 5 cups of coffee. I’m on my 2nd and don’t want to have any more right now. *sigh* Time to leave for the sono, well at least I’ll have another picture of Junior for the scrapbook!
{ July 19, 2008 @ 12:19 am }
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{ Pregnant at 36!!! }
{ Tags: 1st trimester, 36, bacterial vaginosis, BV, cravings, expecting, family, fears, gardnerella, hcg, hormones, insomnia, marriage, partner, pelvic rest, pregnancy, pregnant, sleep, spotting, ultrasound }
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It’s about 8:30 on Friday evening. I have a sinus headache. I’ve taken Tylenol and Benadryl; it’s all I can do. My bum knee kept me up tossing and turning for over an hour last night before I finally fell asleep. Then, the room air conditioner woke me up around 12:30 this morning, making some strange noises. It took me a while to fall back asleep. I was up at 6:30 this morning for work.
We found out today we need to replace Coz’s Saturn. Its inspection had expired last month, and the garage said it’d be at least $2,000 to repair. We’re looking to replace that, as well as my POS truck.
I left work today around 2 o’clock, came home and promptly fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. I have GOT to get more sleep at night.
As we were driving to the garage to pick up the car, Coz says to me “I don’t know how to put this romantically, but I’ve been thinking about it and I think we should get married”. What a charmer, right? Well, we’ve been discussing it for some time now anyhow. I had told him at some point in the past that a prenuptial agreement would’ve saved his ass in his first divorce, as his ex-wife went right for the jugular and is still hanging on. I also told him I’d have no problem with one for us, so he’s anxious to get this done. I’m having a hard time finding out online how to do this; I’m thinking we’ll have to spring for a lawyer to do this right. He wants to get hitched as soon as possible so I can get picked up on his health insurance. Right now I’m paying about $300 a month for health and dental, and we need that money for two car loans.
As for the pregnancy thing, I’m happy to report I pooped three times today (which is an achievement in itself considering how much cheese I’m craving) and none of them resulted in any fresh blood. I called the OB office to talk to a nurse about things and the woman I spoke to was less than encouraging. My HCG went from 3,900 on Monday to 8,500 on Thursday, which is very encouraging. I’ve been having more spotting though, and I had expected to have less with bring on the antibiotics for going on 4 days now. I had asked the nurse if she thought I could expect the spotting to end by next week, and when I should be retested for the BV. I’m concerned because having BV puts me at a higher risk of miscarriage, and I had no symptoms to begin with so how am I to know it’s resolved? She said they recheck it in a month, and she had no idea when the spotting would end. She then proceeded to tell me I need to leave this to a higher power as there’s nothing that can be done at this stage, that if I’m going to miscarry it’ll happen and there’s nothing I can do about it. She also told me (we were discussing the pelvic rest, which I hate but I’m doing) that I could sit home on my ‘bottom’ and not do anything but this wouldn’t make a difference if something bad is going to happen.
I understand the message she’s saying, from a clinical, medical standpoint. Her delivery however, sucks! You DO NOT tell a newly pregnant woman there’s nothing she can do, if she’s going to miscarry it’ll happen and she’s powerless over it. I happen to disagree strongly with her. I have every intention of staying extremely positive, and I envision myself very pregnant and then with a new baby several times thoughout the day. I am willing it to happen. I’m not thrilled about having to wait until the 28th for the next ultrasound. This may be SOP (standard operating procedure) but I don’t know this, and she certainly didn’t do anything to reassure me. My breasts are still VERY sore though, so I take this as a good sign as well.
On another positive note, my brother and his fiancee were having a huge yard sale full of baby items. My older niece is 4 1/2, and the twins are 13 1/2 months. They set aside the carseat/stroller, the Fisher Price battery operated swing, and the Fisher Price jungle gym saucer thingy. My grandmother has told me she’s going to pay them for all of this for me, and she’s also going to buy us a brand new crib and mattress. She suggested one of the ones that convert to a toddler bed. I’ve got one picked out that’s really nice. I need to call her tomorrow about this. Right now I’m tired (again!), and my head is clogged. I need to rinse my sinuses, I think.
One thing about the marriage bit, I’m not sure what to do about my name. Do I change it? Do I keep my own? Do I hyphenate???? Help!!!
{ July 15, 2008 @ 11:25 pm }
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{ Pregnant at 36!!! }
{ Tags: 1st trimester, 36, bacterial vaginosis, BV, cramps, expecting, fears, gardnerella, hcg, insomnia, mom to be, pelvic rest, pregnancy, pregnant, sleep, spotting }
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As any fan of detective movies knows, any time there’s been a crime, the lead detective has to say “Round up the usual suspects”. It’s in the movie-making bylaws, look it up. One of the tests I had yesterday was a vaginal culture, to see if any of the usual suspects could explain, in whole or part, what’s been going on. I got the call today that I am indeed a victim of sorts, of something called bacterial vaginosis, or BV for short. In the interest of furthering education, here’s some solid information on BV taken from the Baby Center website:
What is bacterial vaginosis?
Bacterial vaginosis (commonly known as BV) — the most common cause of abnormal vaginal discharge in women of childbearing age — is an infection caused by an imbalance among the bacteria that live in your vagina. . Normally, “good” bacteria, called lactobacilli, are in the majority and keep other kinds of bacteria in check. You end up with BV when there are too few lactobacilli, which allows other bacteria to grow out of control. No one knows for sure what causes the balance of bacteria to change. About 1 in 5 women have this infection at some point during pregnancy, though estimates vary widely.
How does having BV affect my pregnancy?
BV when you’re pregnant may raise your risk for preterm labor and birth. Some studies have also linked the infection to a higher risk of miscarriage, preterm premature rupture of the amniotic membranes (PPROM), and uterine infection after delivery.That said, many women with BV have perfectly normal pregnancies. Experts don’t yet know why only some women with BV end up delivering prematurely. Some researchers think that BV may be just a sign of other infections or problems that lead to preterm birth. They do know that women who are diagnosed with BV early in pregnancy are at a significantly higher risk for problems than those who get the infection later in pregnancy.Having BV also makes you more susceptible to certain sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV, if you’re exposed to them.
What are the symptoms of BV?
At least half the women who get BV have no symptoms at all. If you do have symptoms, you might notice a thin, white or gray discharge with a foul or fishy smell. This odor is most apparent after sex, when the discharge mixes with semen. You may also have burning when you pee or irritation in your genital area, though it’s not common. Let your healthcare provider know if you have these symptoms. Before prescribing any medication for you, she’ll examine a sample of your vaginal fluid and cervical secretions to see if you have BV or another infection.
Like many women, I had absolutely no symptoms. Fortunately, the screen for this is simple. There’s actually one test that screens for yeast infection, trichomonas, and gardnerella at the same time. I’ve already gotten started on the antibiotic and I’m hoping this takes care of things.
I’m continuing to feel better today. I’ve not had any pain or cramps, and the only spotting is the 
familiar brown when I wipe. I’ve also had a pretty relaxing day. I was up around 8:30 but was still tired, so I went back upstairs and crawled into bed with Coz around 10:30. I must’ve dozed off to sleep because when I woke up it was 1:45 in the afternoon. I’m glad I managed to get some decent sleep. I’m hoping I won’t have any trouble falling asleep tonight. On another pleasant note, I’ve finished the first of many projects for the baby, a blanket I started some years back. Coz says it’s very non-committal, genderwise. My grandmother says we’re having a boy. Coz says he always felt if he had another, it would be a girl. Either way, I can’t wait to find out.
{ July 15, 2008 @ 1:43 pm }
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{ Pregnant at 36!!! }
{ Tags: 1st trimester, cramps, expecting, fears, fetal pole, gestational sac, hcg, insomnia, pelvic rest, pregnancy, pregnant, sonogram, spotting, ultrasound, yolk sac }
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I spoke to the nurse at the ob/gyn office this morning. She was a VERY nice woman with a soft, calming voice, which helps immensely. She said the NP hasn’t reviewed the ultrasound results yet, but that the u/s did show the gestational sac and a yolk sac, no fetal pole, but the radiologist felt this was appropriate for the getstational age. She said what usually happens is I’ll have bloodwork tomorrow to recheck my HCG levels, as they should be doubling about every 48 hours right now. If they keep increasing, that’s a good sign this is a viable pregnancy. Provided they keep increasing, I should expect more bloodwork and another ultrasound next week to reevaluate things. It’s not overwhelmingly comforting news, but I’m okay with things right now.
I’m trying like hell to stay excited and to be positive. Of course it’s a double-edged sword because on the off-chance something does happen I’ll be all the more upset. It’s funny, part of me doesn’t want to get attached to this pregnancy. I guess it’s a sort of self-preservation. I’m tough though, and I also don’t expect anything to go wrong. The spotting has almost subsided; there’s only a bit of faint brown on the tissue when I wipe. I already had a BM this morning and that went fine, no bright red blood or anything else unusual. My cramps from yesterday have gone away. I did manage to get about 7 hours of sleep this morning, which is the most I’ve gotten in one stretch since I can’t remember how long. It’s a beautiful day today. Not too hot, and not many clouds in the sky.
I think since I have the day off of work I’ll try to be productive, within reason. I’ve already tackled the moster pile of papers on my desk (ok, for the most part) and I’m working on getting more jewelry listed online. One thing that I’ve been neglecting the past week and a half is my business, Square Effects. I have a website I haven’t updated in well over a month. www.SquareEffects.com.
I sell my jewelry online at three different venues currently; an American site: http://www.squareeffects.etsy.com, a Canadian site: http://www.icraft.ca/squareeffects, and the British site: http://en.dawanda.com/shop/SquareEffects. It takes quite a bit of time to photograph, edit the photos, and upload everything. You can’t skimp on any one step from preproduction to listing for sale, if you want your product to sell itself. I have more inventory that’s not listed for sale online than I actually have listed because of the time involved.
I just heard back from the ob/gyn office. I need to be on ‘pelvic rest’ at least until the vaginal cultures come back tomorrow. This means nothing in the vagina, no heavy lifting or straining. Damnit, I know it’s something I have to do but I really wanted to get some laundry done without having to wait for Coz to wake up (it’s 10:15 and he’s still asleep). Oh well, I do what I have to. I guess that means I can work some more on the baby blanket I’m crocheting.
{ July 15, 2008 @ 1:02 am }
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{ Pregnant at 36!!! }
{ Tags: 1st trimester, 36, cramps, expecting, fears, fetal pole, gestational sac, insomnia, pregnancy, pregnant, significant other, sonogram, spotting, ultrasound }
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So, it’s Monday evening, and it’s been a long day. I called the OB office first thing this morning, and they rescheduled my appointment to this morning at 10:30 as I was still spotting, and also having some cramps. I started having some vague discomfort in the area of my right ovary, which for me isn’t unusual, but together with the spotting it made me nervous. I had to have a bowel movement this morning around 9:30, and I became VERY nervous when I had a few drops of bright red blood with it. THIS freaked me out, because I was having cramps as well.
10:30 comes around, and I had my appointment, which left me underwhelmed to say the least. The NP I saw is one I’ve seen before, and she dresses far too casual for me to consider her a professional. Today she had on knit palazzo pants that looked like grey cutoff sweats, and flip flops. I told her everything that had been going on, and she did an internal exam and also took some vaginal cultures to see if I have an infection that might be the cause of the spotting. She said my cervix was “nice and closed” which was a good sign. She also said my cervix looked easily irritated which could’ve been the explaination for the bright red blood when I pooped earlier.
I was done there by 11:15 or so, after having my blood drawn, but I wasn’t able to have a sonogram until 3 p.m. They had to do an internal vaginal ultrasound, which wasn’t painful but it did make the cramping worse. Basically I don’t kjnow anything other than the gestational sac measured 4W5d, and they didn’t see a fetal pole. The tech told me this isn’t uncommon with me being as early as I am although I’m not that reassured because the websites I’ve been frequenting say there should be something there on ultrasound.
The nurse/phlebotomist (I forget what she is officially) called me around 4:30 to tell me my hcg level was in the 8,200 range but the idiot didn’t even run the results by the NP I saw before she called me. When I asked her if this means things appear normal she had to go and ask. The NP had her tell me my levels are right where they should be. Unfortunately, I really don’t know anything else at this time and it’s extremely frustrating. I’m a nurse, I know how things work, so I’m hopeful to have some of my dozen or so questions answered tomorrow, specifically what the next step is. From the research I did online, the recommended thing is to repeat the ultrasound in 3-7 days, since the fetal pole wasn’t visualized.
I also need to know what I should or shouldn’t be doing, activity-wise. I’m taking tomorrow off, but my main goal other than relaxing is to get some damn sleep. I only managed about 5 hours this morning, and between that and the stress I was exhausted much of the day. I did get some sleep when I finally got home after the podiatrist appointment. I’d like to know if I can take a shit without causing bleeding, and the fact that I have to worry about this makes me crazy. I’d also like to know I can have sex again some time this year.
It’s about 12:30 a.m., and for now the cramps and the spotting have stopped. I’m cranky tonight though, because my significant other has been somewhat of an ass, while trying to be funny and joking. We finished watching the 6th season of MASH tonight, and now he’s engrossed in his computer while I’m typing this. I think my plan is to take my mp3 player upstairs and try to get some sleep.
{ July 14, 2008 @ 2:35 am }
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{ Pregnant at 36!!! }
{ Tags: 1st trimester, 36, abstain, conception, expecting, fears, insomnia, partner, pregnancy, pregnant, spotting, uterus }
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It’s about bedtime…the spotting stopped around 5 or so, although this evening I did have some vague pain in my low right abdomen, around the area of my right ovary. I have pain in this area occasionally over the years, I attribute this to ovulation or my menstrual cycle. I feel okay, and I’m staying positive. My plan is to call the doctor’s office tomorrow to see if I can get an appointment tomorrow instead of waiting until Tuesday. Even though I feel fine, I’m still more concerned for Coz. He said today he thinks he has defective sperm, the poor guy. I’d also really like to know what’s going on, and when I can expect to have sex again. I had a nightmare last night he and I were ‘fooling around’ and his penis started bleeding. 
On a more positive note, I’ve dug out the baby rings blanket I started crocheting a few (ok, several) years ago and am working on it again. I’m hoping to be able to make lots of little and not-so-little things for the baby, provided my wrists hold out. We’ll see what the morning brings though, and for now I’m off to bed, hoping to fall asleep within an hour’s time.
{ July 13, 2008 @ 2:37 pm }
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{ Pregnant at 36!!! }
{ Tags: 36, abstain, expecting, fears, mom to be, pregnancy, pregnant, significant other, spotting }
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So, last Thursday at work, I went to the bathroom and noticed a bit of brownish spotting on the toilet tissue when I wiped. Needless to say, I flipped out, even though I’m a nurse and know brown blood is old blood and is most likely nothing to worry about. I called the ob/gyn office and spoke to a nurse who confirmed there was likely nothing wrong. She explained to me that during pregnancy the uterus and cervix have a very rich blood supply and alot of different things can cause it to bleed, such as intercourse, infection, etc. We had intercourse the night before. My 1st appt was the following Tuesday, so I was advised to refrain from sex until my appt.
Things quieted down and there was no more spotting until yesterday afternoon, my 36th birthday. I think it was because I was trying to exercise in the pool and was working pretty hard at it. Again, the spotting is brownish, very little of it, and I’m not having any cramps or pain or anything. I am still nervous however, because I’m still having some spotting this morning and it’s turned faintly to pink. Again, it’s only a little bit, and there are no other weird symptoms, but still…..it’s nervewracking. My appointment isn’t until Tuesday. I’m considering calling 1st thing in the morning to see if they can fit me in tomorrow.
There’s a statistic out there that says something like 25% of all conceptions terminate in early miscarriage. That sounds staggering, but the thought behind this is that most people who miscarry don’t even realize they’ve been pregnant because it’s over so quickly. As harsh as it sounds, women miscarry for a reason. There are plenty of conceptions that result in damaged/defective embryos, and a woman’s body is designed to reject anything unhealthy. All that being said, I certainly don’t want to go through that, but knowing the medical aspect of it, I don’t think I’d be quite as devistated. Coz on the other hand, has had to endure two miscarriages. That’s why his children are adopted. My fear of disappointing and upsetting him is far greater than my concern for myself.
So, the trick for today is to try to keep myself from going crazy while I wait for tomorrow. I have no reason to believe there’s anything wrong, this is simply just a normal variation of a pregnancy. We actually told my parents last night at dinner (my 36th birthday!) and my mom told me she had spotting when she was pregnant for me. I do know plenty of people who have either spotted or bled their entire pregnancy. I was fortunate to not have any with Jesse, so this is new to me. It’s funny, it doesn’t matter how much medical knowledge I have, or how long I’ve been a nurse, or how many stories I’ve heard with positive outcomes. It’s not easy to keep a positive mind when it actually happens to me. We’ll see what the day brings. I can see lots of MASH episodes in my future today, and not much else. Ugh, the bathroom is upstairs; I hope Coz doesn’t want me to avoid the stairs and stay in the bedroom all day (although I would in a second if it’d make him feel better). I’ll keep this posted.
